"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield. |
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"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners. |
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"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin. |
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"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton. |
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"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin. |
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"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
Les Dawson. |
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"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."
Steven Wright. |
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"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns. |
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"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman. |
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"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams. |
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"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright. |
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"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson. |
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"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown. |
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"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman. |
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"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carrey. |
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"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips. |
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"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett. |
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"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison. |
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"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy. |
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| Enough reading? Watch some of our flash animations, videos, or look at some funny pics. |
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"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld. |
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"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan. |
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"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright. |
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"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks. |
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"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
Henry Youngman. |
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"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips. |
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"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright. |
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"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."
Freddie Starr. |
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"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Spike Milligan. |
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"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe. |
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"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson. |
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Do you wake up in the morning feeling sleepy and grumpy? Then you must be Snow White.
David Frost |
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Ladies and Gentlemen, we are at 35,000 feet. Please hold onto your wallets, we're flying over Liverpool.
[Announcement on Easyjet plane] |
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Take away the right to say "f**k" and you take away the right to say "f**k the government!".
Lenny Bruce |
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In Australia a doctor has discovered a female patient whose sleepwalking causes her to go out and have sex with total strangers while she’s asleep. ... They could have diagnosed this years ago, but no guys ever complained.
Jay Leno |
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The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
Colin Fergus |
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Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. - Scott Capurro |
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The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison |
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I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
Ahmed Ahmed |
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I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that!
Wendy Leibman |
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I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because nobody believes they're really choking.
John Gephart |
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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Richard Jeni |
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Those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands, those of you in the
more expensive ones rattle your jewelry.
John Lennon |
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I'm not against half-naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be...
Benny Hill |
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Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something.
Plato |
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Woman are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Oscar Wilde |
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Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Wendell Johnson |
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It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Weinberg |
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Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
F Lebowitz
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The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Robert Frost |
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The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones |
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We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
Jean Cocturan |
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld |
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General Funny quotes